


Ghost in the Machine

by Viridian5



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-05-01
Updated: 2002-05-01
Packaged: 2017-10-02 07:17:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viridian5/pseuds/Viridian5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark’s insides don’t match his outsides.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghost in the Machine

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for "Leech" and "Hug."
> 
> Written for [Livia’s X-Title Challenge](http://liviapenn.livejournal.com/106910.html).

In his mind and soul, Clark felt human. Not that he could ever know for sure--no more than he could totally share his dad's certainty that he had a soul--but he felt it. His body was the problem.

Abnormal. Alien. Even months after finding out, he still had moments when it freaked him out to think that he came from another planet, never mind all the trouble that the meteors that had fallen with him had caused. Most of his life, Mom had just said that everybody was unique, so his differences didn't mean that much, but at least then they'd let him believe that he belonged to the same species as they did.

He was a species of one. Alienated.

He didn't even know if he'd age like other people, though that brief time without his abilities had let him know that he bled red instead of green goo or black oil like in _The X-Files_. As much as he'd respected his father before, he really learned his dad's strength that time as he learned what kind of backbreaking _labor_ farming required. Dad worked hard, worked through hours of increasing pain and fatigue. Chores Clark could toss off in moments actually took a ton of effort.

Clark hadn't been "normal" for long, but he'd liked it. He didn't have to pretend and lie as much. He didn't have to deliberately give only a fraction of effort--something that went against everything else his parents had ever taught him--to fit in. He didn't have to hide in plain sight.

But Lex's questions had shown him the one flaw in all of that. Clark might have been busted down to normal human strength, speed, and weaknesses, but he was still alien and had things to hide. He wasn't normal and never would be.

He hadn't taken it well and kind of blamed Lex for reminding him. He still couldn't believe what a bitch he'd been to Lex over that.

Sometimes it killed him that his parents could on the one hand say that he should always be honest and do his best while on the other saying that he had to lie and shirk. Even though he knew why he had to do it, it still made him feel so tired.

Lying was his job. For the rest of his life. However long that would be.

That was why he pretended not to notice Chloe's interest in him, because it wasn't in _him_. She was attracted to the shell he put up, the Clark he pretended to be, and he couldn't tell her what he was. Maybe she'd be a good enough friend not to go all "reporter with the story of the year" on him if he told her that he was an alien, but then he'd have to mention that he'd been lying to everyone since forever about how strong he was and the things he could do.

Sometimes Clark could let himself admit that he was so interested in Lana because nothing would ever really happen for them. It was _normal_ for a guy to want Lana....

Lex almost saw through him sometimes. Clark was sure of that.

Once in a while Clark had the insane thought that maybe could bring up the "feeling alien in his body" thing to Lex. Subtly, of course. Lex would say something about teenage hormones and moodiness and that kind of feeling being normal, and Clark would say something affectionately sarcastic about the lofty wisdom that came from being 21 and so _above_ all of that. And Lex would smile....

But Clark couldn't try that, because Lex already had some suspicions about him and what he could do. He had to stop befriending smart people or something.

Or he had to be more cautious. But he didn't want to be.

Clark remembered how he felt after Lex, possessed, had shot him repeatedly. Finally, Clark had found something that could hurt him in his usual, super-strong state. Well, aside from the meteor rocks. Unable to help himself, he'd press down on the bullet bruises with his fingers just to feel the twinges of pain. He'd done that every day until they faded. The pain had felt so different and so wrong and so good. It felt human. At least he thought it did.

It probably wasn't healthy. Or normal.

Neither was he.

 

### End


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